To Serve and To Protect

I was happy to learn yesterday that the officers of our town's fine police department are rapid responders. I was less happy that they showed up on our doorstep in rapid response to the 911 phone call place by a certain five-year-old member of the the household, whose name will not be mentioned...

Imagine the scenario: downstairs is completely dark, because we're all snuggling in the upstairs bedroom watching the boob tube (I'm sorry; it was raining and I finally gave in). I've told a certain five-year-old about twenty times not to play with the phone. There is a train full of people screaming bloody murder as Spiderman saves them from plunging to inevitable doom at the end of the line. Jack screams "WAHOO!" loudly too, as he jumps off the headboard, practicing for his career as a superhero.

At this moment the phone rings, and it's a dispatcher asking if someone has placed an emergency call from this number. No, why? Then would I mind going to answer the door for the two officers on my front porch? (Who have been ringing the doorbell I didn't hear because it hasn't worked since -- but never mind, that's an entirely different story all together...) No, I wouldn't mind. I'm now glaring at a certain five-year-old.

I run down the stairs, flipping on lights as I go and answer the door, apologizing profusely. Jack has stripped himself of his diaper (too bulky for superhero wear) and is hot on my heels. The dog is going completely nuts in the kitchen. The living room is an absolute disaster because there's always a point where I give up when four kids are out of school for the week. I'm trying to pull a certain now-hysterical five-year-old out of the closet where she's hiding, so she can explain to these patient guys just exactly what happened.

It's like watching a slow-motion improvisational farce being played out in my front entryway. What will happen next? Will our heroine regain her wits? Will a certain five-year-old mini-villian see the light and change her wicked ways? Will the naked superhero save the day? The best part will most likely be the epilogue: in every issue, our local paper prints a detailed copy of the weekly police log, complete with whimsical headlines for each incident. I can't wait...